Living With An Addiction

Living with an addiction of any kind really stinks(that’s my nice word for it).  It’s heart breaking and life changing and not just for the addict, but the entire family.  I know this because I too am an addict.  I was very hesitant to share this, but recently I got a call on the air that challenged me to share this.  The guy was talking about working his ‘steps’ and said, “Melissa I know you know what I’m talking about.”  Yep, I sure did and I figured that if he could figure it out by listening to me every day then it was time to share.

I believe in living out my life on the air.  Let me also say that I don’t share things that would intentionally hurt or embarrass friends or family members.  I do believe in sharing my life because I want to encourage and share that you’re not alone – I’ve been there too!  So here is the short version of my story.  My addiction started when I was in middle school, where I used food to deal with some rough mother-daughter stuff and the stress of moving a lot.  I ‘used’ food in a way that became an eating disorder of bulimia and binging.  Food was my way of dealing with life.  Food was my friend and my safety blanket.  I left the bulimia behind me in high school/college but food was still my go to for dealing with any extreme emotions – good or bad.  My problem is that I didn’t think I had a problem with food, I thought everyone dealt with food the same way I did.  Didn’t everyone hide food and hide food wrappers?  Nope, they don’t.

I will never understand how someone can have candy in the house for a year and forget that it’s there and end up throwing it away.  I will never understand being able to have a ‘bite’ of cake and that being enough.  I am not like everyone else and have had to come to terms with that.  I didn’t want to suffer from a compulsive overeating/food addiction – yuck – I want to be normal.  Well, guess what, I’m not.  Now as an adult I am in a 12 Step program and dealing with my addiction.  I’m currently coming to terms with my truth and working my steps to the best of my ability.  It’s not easy, but what I have learned is that there is freedom in living your truth.  There is freedom in just Step 1 – Admitting we were powerless over our addiction and that our lives had become unmanageable.

It took me a long time to truly understand Step 1.  I really thought that the next ‘diet’, a little more will power, a more balanced life all of it would bring me freedom from my addiction.  I didn’t want to give up the control that I could do this on my own and that somewhere out there was a magical diet that I could stick to.  What I know now is that I am gaining freedom from working my program and that there is freedom in living my truth.  A food/compulsive overeating addiction will never have the street cred of alcohol or drugs addictions.  Today, I am okay with that.  I am also okay with being an addict.  I wouldn’t choose this life for anyone, but I also would rather say I’m an addict working my program then living in the bondage hell of addiction.  Xo Melissa

Fear Is Strangling Our Lives

We hold back from living our life because of the stranglehold of fear.  I’m a firm believer that fear is for a lot of us our greatest enemy.  It’s the demon that tells us that our ideas won’t work, it’s the nagging voice in our head that asks why take the risk.  Fear for some of us is crippling and leads to a life of mediocrity.  I had a boss years ago that would always pose every indecision or problem with a question, “What are you afraid of?”  It was very Oprahesque and yet honestly it was a great learning time in my life.  Despite fighting the fear question, I learned to honestly ask it and low and behold I always came up with an answer.

Today I ask myself what am I afraid of on a regular basis.  When I’m stuck in a rut or just mulling over a problem and I ask what role fear is playing in my decision or indecision.  I have found the next question is crucial and that is, ‘Is this a valid fear?’  It is funny how often the answer is no, that isn’t rational or even a real probability.  I believe that there is a reason that the Bible addresses fear so often.  I believe that is a subtle yet effective way that the Devil uses to get in our heads and eventually affect our thinking and hearts. 

I have readily admitted that I hate change.  Change tends to feel scary, because the outcome is so often unknown.  At the heart of hating change is fear.  The fear of failure, fear of the unknown, fear of ______.  This year I am trying to embrace change and adopt a more flexible mindset.  A friend of mine calls it going with the flow, but for me it is a whole lot more complicated that adopting a Zen like attitude.  It’s accepting and appreciating change.  It’s acknowledging the fear that lives behind the sign of every fork in the road.  

Mediocrity chokes a marriage to death because fear stops couples from saying how they feel and what they need.  Fear manifests into life mediocrity when a business idea goes untested because of fear of failure.  Fear stops us from living and forces us into plain existence.  My grandmother told me the best part of growing old is, “You don’t care what anyone thinks or says about you.”  My goal this year is to start living life now with that mindset and start kicking fear to the curb.  xo Melissa

Lord, How Did I Get Here?

The older I get the more I recognize my character defects and how many I have! Over the past couple of days God has revealed a character defect that has been life changing.  Here is what I have learned; I have two reactionary speeds; Analytical paralysis- (1st gear) and impulsive reaction- (5^th gear).  I have come to realize that I tend to make big decisions in my life in 5^th gear.  I may analyze something for a while but I often don’t let myself go through the steps of gears 2, 3 and 4.  I use car metaphors, because I have come to believe that we are like cars and need to go through the proper gears when making decisions.  It’s when we skip steps or gears that we end up on the rumble strips of life.

There is a reason that God calls us to wait on Him and be patient. (Psalm 27:14,)  There is also a purpose to Him asking us to bring our requests and prayers to him alone.  (Philippians 4:6)  I believe that He wants us to go through the proper steps when we’re making decisions, especially big life decisions.  What I have been recently convicted of is that I tend to give myself just two options when making decisions.  I analyze, and over analyze and over think a decision so much so that I stay stuck in first gear and never make a decision.  OR…I barely analyze my options before revving up to fifth gear and jumping into the deep end. Unfortunately reacting impulsively is my character defect that I tend to do on big decisions.  Where to go for dinner…oh, I’ll over analyze that bugger!

Let me give you an example – my beautiful dream house aka ‘The Money Pit’.   I knew when I saw a picture of this house that I had to have it.  It was priced right, in the right area and right school district, not to mention that it was the only house in this specific area that we could afford.  Therefore, I must have it and it didn’t matter if I ever saw it!  I couldn’t make it out to view the house, so my husband flew out to decide whether or not we would be buying this house.  He tried to voice some concerns, but they sounded minor to me so we bought the two-story Colonial farmhouse without me ever seeing it.  Mistake number one.  I should have been more patient, investigated it more and realized that maybe this house looks perfect but really isn’t the perfect house after all.  I should have waited, prayed, researched, prayed and done my due diligence before buying a house sight unseen.  Yet, I didn’t because it sounded like the perfect house therefore how could this not have been God’s plans for us?  Now tens of thousands of dollars later in repairs I see the flaws of this ‘dream’ house and realize that I fell in love with the ‘dream’ and didn’t wait to investigate the reality.

I could give you numerous examples of how I’ve rushed into decisions only to say to God – “How did I get here?”  Now that I have seen this character defect I have to fix it and I know that means a test is coming!  We live in a fast paced, impatient world.  We (I) want things when I want them and often feel like I can spot God’s will therefore I should just jump.  My new process will truly be waiting on the Lord;  asking for His direction, praying, waiting, listening and then asking again.  I will treat my decisions more than a high performance car and ease into 5^th gear versus grinding the gears to get to where I feel like I should be.  I need to start treating my God given life and the decisions He has given me like a Lamborghini versus a Pinto.  Xo Melissa

Lord We Have So Many Questions...

No parent should ever have to bury his or her child.  Despite our differences, that is one statement that we can all agree upon.  Yet this past week, we have witnessed a nightmare for the families of those killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School.  Parents, young and old are burying their children this week in Newtown, CT. Children that probably have Christmas presents under the tree and children who were probably excited for their upcoming Christmas break.  These young children will never play during recess again, never dance at their prom and never feel the separation pain of going off to college.  Yes, the children are denied experiencing all of this and their parents are robbed of witnessing their children grow up.

There are no words to describe the grief that I feel when I see the victims and their families of Sandy Hook Elementary.  As I dropped my seven year-old daughter off for school I started to panic.  I saw her little head bobbing along with her friends walking into the school and I just sat watching from my car.  I was ‘supposed to’ pull forward and keep the car pool line going, but I couldn’t make myself move.  All I could do was watch her and pray protection on her that day.  I imagined what it must have felt like for the families of the 20 children killed.  Did they relive over and over their final moments with their children?  Did they wish they’d said one more time that I love you?  Did they think about those little arms wrapping around them for their nightly hug before bed? 

This side of heaven we will probably never have the answer to the ‘why’ question.  I do believe in a holy God who has a plan and purpose for each beautiful life.  I do believe that His ways, His thoughts are not mine.  Yet, I don’t understand an evil that could take the lives of innocent children and adults.  I don’t understand why families have to feel this unimaginable grief.  I don’t understand, but I do believe that God will use this tragedy to change lives and for His glory.   I believe.  Without faith this tragedy would seem hopeless.  With faith it feels devastating, but I cling to my faith in a sovereign and loving God.  A God who loved us so much he sacrificed his own son for us.  ~ Blessings xo Melissa

I Have Super Powers!!

I have amazing super powers, I can be in two places at once.  Although it sounds impressive, it is actually a character defect that I’m working on correcting.  Today it happened so quickly I didn’t realize that I left my body.  I was driving my daughter to school, listening to her sing her favorite Taylor Swift song when my friend ‘worry’ lifted me right out of my body and took my mind down a far away road.  All of a sudden I’m turning into the school when I realized that I couldn’t account for the past 4 minutes.  My super powers had robbed me of that one thing I can’t get back, time.

My goal today is the same as yesterday, to start being present in my life.  To stop thinking about the past, stop thinking about the future and stop worrying about what is out of my control.  It’s kind of like the serenity prayer, “God grant me the wisdom to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”  When I live my life by that prayer I find that I am present more often.  The momentary lapse of time disappears and I find that I actually feel the sun’s warmth through the car window, hear my daughter singing and feel my soul and my body connect. 

My latest super power challenge is how to stop my mind from wandering from my body.  I have found that for me stopping this mind trip before it goes to far is key.  I tell myself to leave those thoughts, leave those worries and take a big deep breath.  When I concentrate on the breath, I have to be present.  I then tell God my worries, my hopes, my concerns and leave them with Him.  You would think that the God who created the universe, who cares for the lilies of the fields and the birds in the air would be the best qualified to care for my life.  Yet, I find that by not being present in my life I am actually trying to do His job.  Not being present robs me of the joys that God has given me.  Not being present robs me of being there to witness my daughter growing up. 

Maybe this sounds extreme to you, but in my gut I believe that not being present robs God’s given joy from my life.  That is why my super powers really aren’t so super after all.  My working wish is that I could transform myself into being super present.

Xo Melissa