As I logged into my new app, 'My Fitness Pal' I realized something sad, I wanted to lie to myself. You see no one else sees the information I put in. The app allows you to put in your weight, your goal weight, how fast you want to lose the weight (1-2 pounds a week) and then tells you how many calories you should have a day. Your job is then to enter every single thing you eat or drink. Hence, the problem. When I want a cookie, I don't want to have to put it in my food diary. Why? Shame. I feel ashamed for wanting a cookie or anything unhealthy because the whole point of the app is to help me lose weight. The real problem is that I've realized that losing weight and being a recovering bulimic/food addict mix like oil and water. Yet, I truly believe with God's help and grace that there has to be a way to mix these two seemingly un-mixable things.
I often hesitate to share my journey with food and addiction because of shame. Shame that it's the one area of my life that at times has been unmanageable. I have been working a wonderful 12 step program, but it still is a battle and from what I've heard always will be. There are no easy answers from a food addiction/eating disorder because unlike other addictions you still have to eat. If it were drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling, etc. you make a clean break. You never can have any or you might slip up. My friend said it best, with food you must 'dance with the devil' at least 3 times a day.
My point in writing this and sharing my journey is to live an authentic life and maybe encourage you if you struggle with the same things. I am trying to lose weight for the first time in my life that doesn't surround vanity issues. Yes, I want to look good but I honestly desire to be healthy and start occupying a healthy body. For me, this means losing some weight. It means not freaking out when I see a scale, not justifying every food I eat, not feeling shame over desiring and sometimes indulging in some favorite foods and for me, most important not feeling defined by the number on the scale.
There is so much more I've learned since my eating disorder roared its ugly head at 13, but I'll save those for later blogs. For now, I'll keep sharing my journey and invite you to please share it with me if you want.
Faith, hope & healing xo Melissa
Thank you for your courage in writing this, Melissa. I pray that the Lord would fold you in His arms and comfort you through this process of freeing yourself. It is so difficult, but you've already got the victory...in the Lord!
ReplyDeleteKeep posting, can't wait to read it :-)
You know I have to same issues but when I don't write down that cookie I don't lose weight. If you go and walk a little or exercise it will make you feel better. But you need to enjoy the foods you eat on the way down because once you get to goal weight and you eat those foods you will gain the weight back. I am a Weight Watcher and my biggest problem is tracking but when I track I find to lose weight and I can still eat what I want just have to track it. You can do this. My struggle is more on the inside and the only thing to do about it is pray about it! :)
ReplyDeleteAs they say in the 12 step program - "you come in for the vanity and stay for the sanity". My program has saved my life. I have not only lost 73 pounds in 14 months but I also found my Higher Power, who I call God. I constantly thank Him for saving me from the clutches of Hell (Food addiction, depression, health issues). I struggled, fought and bawked about my program, resisting to change MY ways, but I soon learn that when I surrender to my Higher Power, the day becomes alot more manageable. One day at a time, one step at a time.
ReplyDeleteI have been suffering from anorexia/bulimia for the past 15 or more years. I have never felt like I was acceptable. About 2 years ago I began enjoying food for the first time. I gained about 40 pounds and reached my highest weight of 140! I has horrified at how I looked. I began Weight Watchers which is the same as far as logging in and logging everything you eat. I find myself cheating or lying all the time. When I type what I have eaten I really struggle with the urge to go and throw up. Knowing that someone else is fighting the same battle helps. I pray for your strength and the strength of all of those fighting our battle. God accepts us and we are his masterpieces. Its hard to remember but so very true. Much love to you all.
ReplyDeleteMelissa,
ReplyDeleteI heard your intro for your blog on the radio on my drive home today. I thought you were telling my life story! I recently gained a lot of weight when I was pregnant with my first baby....its been really hard to break free from the cycle of overeating. When I diet it reminds me of my anorexia at age 13 and I panic when Im hungry. Long story short, I joined weight watchers again and I am seeing a change & the Lord helping me realize my food addiction. Good luck & prayers for you!
Ps- have you heard of the Lord's Table from Setting Captives Free? HIGHLY recommend (minus fasting program).
ReplyDeleteI am so proud of you for sharing this Melissa...and to the other courageous people who have posted here too. We all have "something" we fight and I'm glad this one is being brought to light. Thanks for leading the way.
ReplyDeleteBless you, Melissa. I have the same shame issues & that, too, is what keeps me from writing stuff down... if I don't write it down, nobody knows that I have no control. (Like they don't know that from the fact that I've been on Weight Watchers for 4 months and have yet to lose 10 pounds.) Thank you for putting yourself 'out there' like this. We all need to know that we're not the only one.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that I appreciate you sharing your story and your struggle. As a lesbian, and (former-ish) preacher's kid, who has a lot of mental and addiction issues.. I've run into a constant struggle with wanting to be a part of the church/Christian community, but it seems that so few understand or are open to sharing. Even when my home church started Celebrate Recovery, I got up some courage to go and be more open (I had not been to church for a long time thanks to anxiety and sleep disorder), I found that besides myself the only people who didn't listen to my "labels" without wide eyes were the couple people unfamiliar with church settings. My personal take is that knowing something is wrong and getting help isn't the problem. The problem is knowing something is wrong and not doing anything about it. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I heard part of your story on my way home today, and I appreciate you sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you SOOO much, Melissa, for discussing this often untalked-about addiction. I could write/talk about it for hours on end and how God is helping me heal from and deal with it each and every single hour of each and every single day! Just wanted to share 2 quick Christian programs/devotionals that help me on a daily basis with you and your followers: "Lose It for Life" and "Made to Crave." Love listening to you and Matt on WordFM in the evenings!!! Peace and blessings!
ReplyDeleteHi Melissa, I heard you on the radio and I commend you for being so brave in sharing your struggles. I too suffered from bulimia which started at the age of 14 and lasted for 12 years. I hated binging and purging and fell into a great depression. No matter what I did everytime I ate something " unacceptable" this tremendous amount of guilt would come over me and the only way I knew how to cope was through purging. The hardest thing was
ReplyDeletealso hiding this issue as I felt too ashamed to let anyone know. I remember getting on my knees and crying out
to the Lord many times to take this away from me but it persisted for many years. It wasn't until I started to use my talents to serve the Lord on the worship team that I finally noticed a change. I was no longer just asking the Lord for something but I was willing to give my life to serve him. I never took any kind of program, I just believed and prayed and he completely delivered me. I binged once or twice since being healed but I didn't let it get me down, that was just a tactic the enemy was using to make me believe I wasn't healed. I haven't purged in over 2 years now and I eat everything I want in moderation. I'm also the slimmest and happiest I've ever been. I told the Lord that because he healed me of this horrible condition that in turn wanted to help others. Again I commend you for being so brave and you have inspired me to share my story as well. GB